Audition Sides | Garrison Little Theatre

4 Audition Sides

ONE: Annelle, Truvy and Clairee

ACT ONE

SCENE I

The curtain rises on Truvy's beauty shop. There are the

sounds of gunshots and a dog barking. Annelle is spraying

Truvy's hair with more hair spray than necessary.

ANNELLE. Oops! I see a hole.

TRUVY. I was hoping you'd catch that.

ANNELLE. It's a little poofier than I would normally do, but I'm

nervous.

TRUVY. I'm not real concerned about that. When I go to bed I

wrap my entire head with toilet tissue so it usually gets a little

smushed down anyway in that process.

ANNELLE. In my class at the trade school, I was number one when

it came to frosting and streaking. I did my own.

ANNELLE. (Overcome.) Oh!!

TRUVY. And not a moment too soon! This morning we're going to

be as busy as a one-armed paper hanger.

ANNELLE. Thank you, Miss Truvy! Thank you...

TRUVY. No time. Now. You know where the coffee stuff is. Every-

thing else is on a tray next to the stove. (Truvy removes her smock.)

ANNELLE. Here. Let me help you. (Dusts her off.) You've got little

tiny hairs and fuzzies all over you.

TRUVY. Honey, there's so much static electricity in here I pick up

everything except boys and money. (Points Annelle toward the

kitchen.) Be a treasure. (Annelle exits into the kitchen. Truvy imme-

diately starts redoing her hairdo.) Annelle? This is the most successful

shop in town. Wanna know why?

ANNELLE. (Offstage.) Why?

TRUVY. Because I have a strict philosophy that I have stuck to for

Just shove that stuff to one side, it goes right there. (Pointing out the

room.) Manicure station here...

ANNELLE. There's no such thing as natural beauty...

TRUVY. Remember that, or were all out of a job. Just look at me,

Annelle. It takes some effort to look like this.

ANNELLE. I can see that. How many ladies do we have this morning?

TRUVY. I restrict myself to the ladies of the neighbourhood on Saturday mornings. Normally, that would be just three, but today we've got Shelby Eatenton. She's not a regular; she's the daughter of a regular. I have to do something special with her hair. She's getting married this afternoon. Now. How long have you been here in town?

ANNELLE. A few weeks...

TRUVY. New in town! It must be exciting being in a new place. I

wouldn't know. I've lived here all my life.

ANNELLE. It's a little scary.

TRUVY. I can imagine. Well... tell me things about yourself.

ANNELLE. Theres nothing to tell. I live here. I've got a job now.

That's it. Could I borrow a few of these back issues of Southern Hair?

TRUVY. Uh...sure. It's essential to keep abreast of the latest styles.

I'm glad to see your interest. I get McCalls, Family Circle, Glamour,

Mademoiselle, Ladies' Home Journal, every magazine known to

man. You must live close by. Within walking distance, I mean. I

didn't see a car.

ANNELLE. My cars... I don't have a car. I've been staying across

the river at Robeline's Boarding House.

TRUVY. That's quite a walk. Ruth Robeline...now there's a story.

up there with Elizabeth Taylor.

ANNELLE. I had no idea. (There is a loud gunshot and barking.) Is

that a gunshot?

TRUVY. Yes, dear. I believe it is. Plug in the hotplate, please.

ANNELLE. But why is someone firing a gun in a nice neighbor-

hood like this?

TRUVY. It's a long story. It has to do with Shelby's wedding and

her father. (More gunfire and barking.) You'll be happier if you just

ignore it like the rest of the neighborhood.

CLAIREE. (Entering.) Knock, knock!

TRUVY. Morning, Clairee!

CLAIREE. Morning, Truvy.

TRUVY. I tried to call you and tell you I was running late. No an-

swer.

CLAIREE. I was at the high school. I was out at the crack of dawn.

TRUVY. Annelle, I want you to meet the former first lady of

Chinquapin, Mrs. Belcher. Clairee, this is Annelle. She's taking

Judy's place.

ANNELLE. Pleased to meet you.

CLAIREE. I'm a little embarrassed. If I had known I was meeting

lew people, I would have taken a little more pride in my appear-

ance. I have been at the dedication of our new football field. I an

not always this windblown.

TRUVY. Annelle. They named the stadium after her late husband...

Lloyd Belcher Memorial Coliseum. The team has voted her all sorts

of special titles.

CLAIREE. I have the pom-poms to prove it. What is your name, dear?

ANNELLE. Oh. My married name's Dupuy.

CLAIREE. I don't think I know any Dupuys.

ANNELLE. I just moved here. I'm originally from Zwolle.

CLAIREE. That explains it. Truvy? I thought I brought you those

recipes. (She fumbles with her shirt that has no pockets.)

TRUVY. Clairee. The reason I called is, do you mind if I do Shelby

first?

CLAIREE. That's fine. I'll amuse myself. Shelby's the most important

one today. (A gunshot.) That man! I'll swanee...I think the situation

is worse than ever.

TRUVY. Annelle? We're going to need more towels. They're stacked

up next to the washing machine. (Annelle exits.)

CLAIREE. Sweet girl. Whered you find her?

TRUVY. She heard I had a position open and she just walked in. I

think there's a story here.

CLAIREE. What makes you say that?

TRUVY. For starters. She's married...but she lives at Ruth Robeline's.

(Clairee reacts.) Alone.

CLAIREE. Id get to the bottom of this, if I were you. You have

some nice silverware you'd like to keep.

TRUVY. Oh, I'm not worried about that. She's very nice. I just love

the idea of hiring someone with a past.

CLAIREE. She can't be more than eighteen. She hasn't had time to

have a past.

TRUVY. Honey. It's the eighties. If you can achieve puberty, you

can achieve a past.

CLAIREE. (Annelle enters, carrying towels. Clairee sips her coffee

and grimaces.) Yuck! (Truvy, concerned, takes a sip.)

TRUVY. Annelle? How did you make this coffee?

ANNELLE. Like you said. I poured hot water through the thing.

TRUVY. Where'd you get the water?

ANNELLE. It was boiling on the stove.

TRUVY. Did you notice the hot dogs in the bottom of the pot?

ANNELLE. No.

TWO: Shelby and M’Lynn

It is later in the year. The Saturday before Christmas, to be

exact. Not much in the shop has changed. Only half of the

grotesque handicrafts. At curtain, M'Lynn is sitting under o

lead hairdryer. Shelby enters, mystified by the lack of ligh

and the lack of activity.

M'LYNN. Shelby!

SHELBY. Mama? Where is everybody?

M'LYNN. I thought you weren't coming to town until after lunch.

SHELBY. We got an early start because of the traffic. We wanted to

drop in on Jackson's parents on the way down here.

M'LYNN. What a treat!

SHELBY. And you have to catch them early. On Saturdays they

leave the house at the crack of dawn to start hunting furry little

creatures.

M'LYNN. You must not have visited long.

SHELBY. We didn't. I could tell they were anxious to start killing

things. We stopped by the house first. Nobody was there. Where's

LYNN. She and Annelle are out back sticking pennies in th

ise box. They decorated that little tree and when I plugged it in a

the lights blew.

SHELBY. (Pointing to a pair of tacky earrings.) What are those things?

Anyle e has disco persetie warner worad of gifts and

Crafts.

SHELBY. Are Tommy and Jonathan home yet?

M'LYNN. Yes. Jonathan got home yesterday morning. He loves his

lasses. It's all he can talk about. I think the main thing architectur

chool has taught him is how much he should hate his parents' house

Tommy arrived last night and immediately started terrorizing your

father. It's nice having the family home for Christmas.

SHELBY. Some things never change.

M'LYNN. And how are you, honey?

SHELBY. I'm so good, Mama. Just great.

M'LYNN. You're looking well. Is Jackson at the house?

SHELBY. No. You know how twitchy he gets. I sent him to look for

stocking stuffers.

M'LYNN. Good thinking.

SHELBY. Uh. Jackson and I have something to tell you. We wanted

to tell you when you and Daddy were together, but you're never

together, so it's every man for himself. I'm pregnant.

M'LYNN. Shelby?!

SHELBY. I'm going to have a baby.

M'LYNN. I realize that.

SHELBY. Well...is that it? Is that all you're going to say?

M'LYNN. I... what do you expect me to say?

SHELBY. Something along the lines of congratulations.

M'LYNN. ...Congratulations.

SHELBY. Would it be too much to ask for a little excitement? Not

too much, I wouldn't want you to break a sweat or anything.

M'LYNN. I'm in a state of shock! I didn't think...

SHELBY. In June. Oh, Mama. You have to help me plan. We're

going to get a new house. Jackson and I are going house hunting

next week. Jackson loves to hunt for anything.

MLYNN. What does Jackson say about this?

SHELBY. Oh. He's very excited. He says he doesn't care whether it's

boy or girl...but I know he really wants a son so bad he can tast

. He's so cute about the whole thing. It's all he can talk about..

Jackson Latcherie Junior.

M'LYNN. But does he ever listen? I mean when doctors and

specialists give you advice. I know you never listen, but does he?

I guess since he doesn't have to carry the baby, it doesn't really

concern him.

SHELBY. Mama. Don't be mad. I couldn't bear it if you were. It's

Christmas.

M'LYNN. I'm not mad, Shelby. This is just... hard. I thought that...

I don't know.

SHELBY. Mama. I want a child.

M'LYNN. But what about the adoption proceedings? You have

filed so many applications.

SHELBY. Mama. It didn't take us long to see the handwriting on the

vall. No judge is going to give a baby to someone with my medica

rack record. Jackson even put out some feelers about buying on

M'LYNN. People do it all the time.

SHELBY. Listen to me. I want a child of my own. I think it would

help things a lot.

M'LYNN. I see.

SHELBY. Mama. I know. I know. Don't think I haven't thought this

THREE: Ouiser, Clairee, Annelle, Truvy, and Shelby

CLAIREE. Hello, darling!

SHELBY. Can I get you some tea?

CLAIREE. Yes, that would be nice. I'm sorry I'm late. I overslept. We

didn't get back into town until one o'clock. It was a dazzling victory

over Dry Prong.

ANNELLE. I heard you on the radio last night. You were wonderful.

SHELBY. What were you doing on the radio?

CLAIREE. They let me be the color announcer for the Devils. I was

fabulous. I was too colorful for words.

SHELBY. That was nice of them to let you talk on the radio.

CLAIREE. Nice nothing. I own the radio station.

SHELBY. Oh! You bought it?

CLAIREE. Yes!! KPPD. The station of choice in Chinquapin Parish!

TRUVY. Shelby? How do you like Clairee's new short and sassy look?

SHELBY. Love it.

TRUVY. Just wait 'til I jack it up.

SHELBY. It makes you look younger, Miss Clairee.

CLAIREE. My hair looks younger. My face looks just as old.

ANNELLE. There is so much going on! The state championship

last night, the Christmas festival today, the Messiah sing-along

tomorrow...

TRUVY. Life in the big city will spoil you.

SHELBY. Who's Miss Merry Christmas this year?

CLAIREE. My niece, Nancy Beth, of course.

TRUVY. She was here at seven this morning. I had to position her

tiara properly on her head so it wouldn't slip around during the

parade. I sprayed her hair within an inch of its life.

SHELBY. Why did I have to ask? I should have known. All you

Marmillions are gorgeous. Beauty is genetic in your family.

CLAIREE. Nancy Beth is a pretty girl. Do you know she is Miss

Merry Christmas, Miss Soybean, and Miss Watermelon?

TRUVY. But dumb as a post.

CLAIREE. Empty is the head that wears the crown.

TRUVY. You have to admit God did a little dance around that family.

Drew is so successful. Belle does her own hair. Their children are

perfect. They're like a family on TV. They don't have a care in the world.

M'LYNN. That's not necessarily true.

TRUVY. Oh?

M'LYNN. That's all I'm saying

TRUVY. Oh.

SHELBY. I should've won Miss Merry Christmas the year I ran. My

talent was very showy.

CLAIREE. We told you at the time, Shelby. Fire batons are not

everyone's cup of tea.

SHELBY. Mama didn't approve of my twirling fire batons.

M'LYNN. I just don't approve when you insist on doing dangerous

things.

SHELBY. Mama hated those fire batons.

M'LYNN. I have never hated anything, Shelby. I supported you,

but I just couldn't watch you. Your father, on the other hand, had a

ield day. He got so much pleasure out of standing in the backyar

or hours watching you practice, holding the garden hose so h

could put you out when you caught fire.

SHELBY. My entire pageant ensemble was coordinated in shades

of pink...soup to nuts. I twirled to the music from Hawaii 5-0. It

was my theme song.

M'LYNN. But we were proud of her.

TRUVY. The year I competed, the swimsuit competition was my

ownfall. Most women look for a swimsuit that will lift and separat

look for one that will divide and conquer. I've always been built f

comfort, not for speed.

SHELBY. Who got the title your year, Miss Clairee?

CLAIREE. Oh, child. Nobody. There wasn't even a Christmas festival

when I was in high school. Why Jesus wasn't even born until I was a

junior in college. I remember it distinctly. My friends and I were all

out watching our flocks by night...

TRUVY. Get over here, Clairee. Annelles gotta gift wrap your head.

OUISER. (Entering in a huff) I could just spit.

TRUVY. Morning Ouiser.

OUISER. The parade doesn't even start for four hours and already

people are parking on my lawn. It will flatten my grass.

CLAIREE. (Mock sincerity.) Here. Let me hold you.

OUISER. I hate out-of-town tourists.

SHELBY. Hello!

OUISER. Shelby! What are you doing here?

SHELBY. Being a tourist, I guess. But I won't flatten your grass, I

promise.

OUISER. Good God. You've had the good sense to move away from

this festival madness. I can't understand why you'd drag yourself

back for a couple of firecrackers and drunk teenagers earping on

your shoes.

SHELBY. I like it.

ANNELLE. Miss Ouiser. I think you need a healthy dose of Christ-

mas spirit. (Annelle interrupts conditioning Clairee to get a present

from the tree.)

OUISER. I have so much Christmas spirit I could scream.

ANNELLE. (Handing her a present.) Merry Christmas!

OUISER. (Opening present.) I just finished putting out my yard

decorations.

CLAIREE. Ouiser. Keep off the grass signs are not Christmas

decorations.

OUISER. They are bordered in holly. (Pulls out poinsettia earrings.)

You made them, didn't you?

ANNELLE. With my own two hands.

OUISER. Your present is...uh...back at the house. I haven't

wrapped it yet.

SHELBY. How's Rhett?

OUISER. He's getting along. As a matter of fact, he's the poster dog

for the Christmas festival. (Ouiser points to a poster on the wall with

a picture on it.)

FOUR: Annelle, Truvy, Shelby, M'Lynn, Ouiser and Clairee

TRUVY. Taking the gun was a stroke of genius, M'Lynn.

M'LYNN. I know.

ANNELLE. What if he comes over here and tries to get his gun back?

M'LYNN. Drum would never set foot in a beauty shop. This is

women's territory. He probably thinks we all run around naked or

something.

ANNELLE. (Catching a glimpse out of the window.) There's some-

body coming! A strange lady with a strange dog!

CLAIREE. That would be Ouiser.

ANNELLE. That is one ugly dog. What kind of dog is that?

CLAIREE. If Rhett had hair, he would be a collie.

TRUVY. Lord. Give us strength. (The door bursts open. It's Ouiser,

very upset.)

OUISER. This is it. I've found it. I am in hell!

TRUVY. 'Morning, Ouiser.

OUISER. Don't try to get on my good side. I no longer have one.

TRUVY. You're a little early. You're not expected 'til elevenish.

UISER. That's precisely why I'm here. I have to cancel. (The phon

ings. Ouiser picks it up and hangs up on the caller.) I have to tak

my poor dog to the vet before he has a nervous breakdown. My dog

1 mean. The vet is perfectly healthy. (To Annelle.) You must be the

new girl.

ANNELLE. Hi.

OUISER. May I have a glass of water? I have been screaming this

morning. (Exit Annelle.)

M'LYNN. I'm sorry this whole thing has gotten out of hand, Ouiser...

OUISER. It's not your fault, M'Lynn. I used to think that you were

crazy for marrying that man. Then I thought for a few years that

you were just a glutton for punishment. Now I realize that you must

be on some mission from God. I have not slept in days. I look like

a dog's dinner. However, when I got up this morning, I decided I

would try to rise above it. I would start anew. Whatever that man

has done, I would overlook it in honor of your wedding day, Shelby.

I thought I would make myself a little presentable and floss up the

bloom on it!

M'LYNN. Ouiser. The judge has not decided whose tree that is

exactly.

OUISER. It's mine! (Enter Annelle with glass of water.) Be that as it

nay... it would not be too much to ask for me to have one blossor

o brighten my home. I am all alone except for my dog

CLAIREE. You need something in your life besides that dumb

animal...

OUISER. Put a lid on it, Clairee. I was standing there looking at

ny...my naked magnolia tree when I saw Drum across the wa

loading what appeared to be a cannon. I asked him what happened

to all those magnolia blossoms. He said the wind probably blew

them off during the night. Then I asked him how the wind managed

to blow them all off into your pool. Then he fired at me! Is that rude

or what?

M'LYNN. They're blanks. And Drum would never aim a gun at a

lady.

OUISER. He's a real gentleman. I'll bet he takes the dishes out of

the sink before he pees in it.

M'LYNN. That's uncalled for.

OUISER. All I know is my poor animal has to be sedated. He has a

condition.

SHELBY. Are you sure that's true? Rhett is a very old dog.

OUISER. I am simply going on what the vet tells me.

CLAIREE. Which vet?

OUISER. Whitey Black.

CLAIREE. That's your first mistake. Whitey Black is a moron. I'm

not even sure he has opposable thumbs.

SHELBY. Miss Ouiser, Daddy is not trying to drive you crazy. He's

just trying to make my reception nice. His heart's in the right place.

OUISER. But he cannot do this to my dog! My dog is on his last

legs! What am I going to do with the poor animal?

CLAIREE. (Holding up the recipe box.) I've got a lot of good recipes

here.

OUISER. (To Annelle.) Darling... whatever your name is... would

you look out the window and check on my dog while I smack

Clairee on her smart mouth? You may not believe this, but these

are the dearest friends I have in this town.

ANNELLE. His color's good. His skin is real pink.

SHELBY. I know for a fact there will be no more gunshots. So why

don't you relax, Miss Ouiser? Have some coffee.

TRUVY. Ladies. This is going to work out beautifully. I'm almost

through with Shelby. Annelle can shampoo Ouiser. See. Life can be

wonderful.

OUISER. All right. As long as there's no more gunshots, I'll stay.

(To Annelle.) What is your name? Did you tell me?

ANNELLE. Annelle.

OUISER. Fine. Are you new in town? I know everyone. I don't

recall ever seeing you before.

ANNELLE. I just moved to town not too long ago.

OUISER. With your family?

ANNELLE. No'm. I don't have any family to speak of.

OUISER. With your husband?

ANNELLE. Uh....my husband? That's hard to say...I...uh...I don't

OUISER. You don't know?

ANNELLE. I'm not sure.

OUISER. I'm intrigued. Are you married or not? These are not

difficult questions.

ANNELLE. Uh... were not...he's not...I can't talk about it.

CLAIREE & TRUVY. Of course you can.

ANNELLE. I'm not sure if I'm married or not...hes gone!

OUISER. Honey. Men are the most horrible creatures.

ANNELLE. Everything is horrible. Bunkie.... that's my husband. He

left. We only moved here a month ago. He just vanished last week.